So it’s weird how much my life has changed since I’ve last posted on here. I’ve come to the realization that my life isn’t the same as it was back then no matter how hard I try to hold on to it. I went back through my old Facebook, Myspace, and Xanga posts. I realized I’ve grown up and matured. Drama of days past seems so pity to me now. I suppose 6 years has a big impact on a person’s life. I’ve gone through death, divorce, and general depression; still, here I am. I was an immature 14 year old when I started this blog six years ago. Today, I’m a (more) mature 20 year old. I have a job, and I’m going to school. I have a steady boyfriend. I’m out and proud about who I am. I think the army has been a good thing for me. It’s really forced me to grow up and become a leader, even in situations I didn’t think I could lead in. I’ve come to grips with my past, and look forward to the future. I don’t dwell on little grievances, instead I learn from them and move on. I’ve learned to be myself, regardless of other people’s opinions. I feel like the past six years of my life have been both challenging and rewarding. Sure I’ve made mistakes, but they’ve only helped to improve me.

I know people don’t really post on Xanga anymore, but if you still do, I want to know how’ve you been. I want to hear about what my old friends have been up to. How your lives have changed.

Before I get off here, I suppose I should write about my boyfriend. His name is Zach and he’s an imagery analyst for the Army. We met on a site for people who are gay and in the military. He happened to be stationed at the same base as me. We started talking and the rest is history. He’s amazing. I feel like I could spend every waking moment with him and be happy. I know this kind of sounds like a 16 year old girl, but isn’t that how love makes us feel sometimes? I hope him and I can stay together even when we get stationed elsewhere.

It’s late once again, so I suppose I’ll stop writing on here. Please don’t hesitate to comment. I like hearing from people now and again.

Graduation is finally coming up and I’m ecstatic about it. Even though I’ve technically already graduated, I’m excited to walk across the stage and receive my diploma. I’ll have finally accomplished something meaningful in my life. Everything up to now hasn’t really mattered much. But once I walk across that stage, I’ll seem that much smarter to people. Take for instance, interviews. You’re treated with much more respect if you have a high school diploma listed on your application. It’s funny how much depends on a simple piece of paper. I think if I was to write a graduation speech, I’d end it by saying “We suffered through 13 years of school and all we got was a piece of paper with our name on it”. Not very witty or insightful, but the truth.

It’s a weird feeling, knowing that I have most of my future already planned out yet one little pebble in the road could spell disaster. The what-ifs often keep me up at night. What if something doesn’t go according to plan? I’m not a very “on my feet” thinker. I like everything planned out, and everything going according to plan. I’m not sure if I could deal if my plans went awry. I’d probably have some kind of mental breakdown and end up in the psych ward. I hate how much I fear the unknown.

One of my friends put up a post in their journal about how they often lie to themselves, which leads to lying to others. I’m guilty of that. I think I’m often so scared of the truth, that I have to lie to myself as a defense mechanism. Eventually, I tell the lie to myself so much that I began to inadvertently lie to others. I don’t mean to lie to them, I just can’t remember what the real truth is anymore. I get lost in the lies that I lost what was true in the first place.

I’m not sure why, but I keep writing these really late at night… So I have to get some sleep before I go tutor tomorrow. Adios amigos (y amigas). Esperamos verle de nuevo.

I complain too much. Through life, I’ve done nothing but complain that every little detail isn’t perfect. My looks aren’t perfect; my life isn’t perfect. Even now, as I post about complaining too much, I complain. I guess you could call me a perfectionist. I am, however, a nice perfectionist. I try not to over-correct someone when they say or do something wrong, even though my gut wants to correct them. I just want my life to be perfect.

I think it leads back to my whole insecurity complex. I feel insecure knowing someone is better at something than me. They say someone will always come along and be better than you. That’s what worries me. If they know they’re better than me, they have something against me. The minute they have something against me, I am no longer stronger than them. My logic is if I’m the best at everything; no one will have anything to hold against me. Of course, no one can be the best at everything. So I fear I will end up a jack of all trades, but a master of none.

On a side note, I watched William Shakespeare’s Romeo + Juliet today. It’s the one starring Leonardo DiCaprio and uses most of Shakespeare’s original text. I thought I was going to hate it. Using the original text, but set in modern day seems a daunting task for even the best screenplay writer. However, I ended up loving it. It’s not an Academy Award winner, but it’s honestly good for what it is. Some parts come off as cheesy, stretching situations to fit into the modern day. But overall the story carried it well, and I loved the ending. Definitely recommend it to anyone.

Well, I’m a bit tired so I’m off to bed. I’ll try posting more often. I know I say that and then don’t go through with it, but I’m really going to try this time.

Ever since I finished high school, It seems like all I’ve been doing is sleeping. I eat, play on the computer, sleep, and repeat. The repetition of it all is enough to make my eyes cross. I need to find something to do that’s not accomplished within the confines of my house. Apparently I missed a chance to hang out with Roy because I was dead asleep. Why can’t I actually get a normal sleep schedule? I think I might actually venture over to the mall tomorrow. At least it will get me active and out of the house…

I’ve actually re-discovered anime, in an odd sort of way. I went back and watched some of the older Bleach episodes. I’ve also started reading manga again. There’s this new one out called Bakuman. It’s about a couple of young mangaka trying to get their first series published. It’s depressing that I have to wait for the scanlation guys to scan and translate it every week. If I had actually sat down and learned Japanese like I had planned to, I wouldn’t have to. I think I dabble in languages too much, I can never sit down and actually learn one fluently. Oh well, Bakuman is a good series, whether or not one can read Japanese.

Oh yes, Happy Pi Day.

My mind has been so fuzzy lately; I can’t seem to organize any of my thoughts. This makes posting anything especially difficult. I can’t seem to post anything that even encroaches on coherent or readable to anyone except myself. Maybe I should stop thinking and simply write. The problem with that is I’m having trouble getting ideas on what write about. I have so much going through my mind, organizing it into an idea is seemingly impossible. It’s bugging the living daylights out of me. I wish I was more like Tara, who writes everyday in her journal almost without fail. I’ll try to start posting something a little more coherent when I can… Until then, bye.

I wish I was a star
living on Hollywood boulevard.
I wish I was a writer
making the world a little more brighter.
I wish I was a politician
ending this political repetition
I wish I was a dancer
a healthy romancer
I wish I was a musician
with a lack of inhibitions.
I wish I was a painter
painting entertainers.
I wish I was somebody
I wish I was anybody
but me

This poem was written at 5:36 in the morning with no sleep and no caffeine in my system.
I think it’s pretty good for how early it is. It was sort of the mood I’m in.

I was going to write an article about what’s been going on, but that would put me to sleep.
So I figured a poem would be best. I hope you guys liked it.

Did you know that you can pull the small muscle between each rib?
Neither did I until I did it today. I feel like pulled barbeque (You’ll
get that tomorrow). It sucks because I can’t breath. And that means I
have to breath faster. Which makes my heart rate go about. And I can’t
move my arm, because that seems to pull it worse.

God this sucks.

Well I was going to write an actual post, but I can’t type very well like this.
So once my ribs feel better, I’ll write an actual post.

But for now,
Matt

Wow, in one of the most amazing upsets, The Giants won in the Superbowl against the undefeated Patriots!

Now Krobucks is a place where I could spend my whole day at, sipping coffee and writing. For all of those people who aren’t Kayleen and I, Krobucks is the Starbucks in Kroger on Maple Street in Zanesville. Sip carmel frappuccinos and read books all day long. If only school didn’t get in the way!

Hope You Guys Have a Great 2008!